Young workers often find it stressful to negotiate with their bosses, particularly when the subject is compensation and responsibility. Few of us have the total self-confidence required to effectively advocate for ourselves and as a result, job satisfaction suffers when employees feel undervalued by the boss. But what if the boss is mom or dad? We can to a great extent choose who our boss is but when it comes to parents, our only choice is whether or not we choose to work in the family business because the family part is permanent. Imagine the stress of asking your boss for a raise or job title or more responsibility when that boss is also mom!
Children begin life in a totally dependent relationship with their parents and while they grow to lead independent lives in adulthood those dependency feelings often creep back in. Now imagine how joining the family business can effectively “double down” on those feelings as the young adults carry a new financial and professional dependency with the near-the-surface-feelings of emotional dependency. Asking for that raise can seem so ungrateful after all the support parents have provided. Asking for more responsibility risks reminders of all those childhood moments when the parents were let down. Negotiating any business issue with a family member is a real challenge.
At Ivey’s Business Families Centre we have enjoyed supporting a pilot project of the SW Ontario Chapter of the Canadian Associate of Family Enterprise (CAFE) to nurture next generation family business leaders. In this year long program, young future leaders gather as a peer group to learn, share best practices and develop professionally in a comfortable environment outside of mom or dad’s business. One workshop session is hosted by Ivey Associate Professor Ann Frost who teaches negotiation to MBA students and executives. Frost shares her insights on how next generation leaders can have more meaningful negotiations with family members and avoid common pitfalls.
Frost highlights three essential thoughts that foster greater intergenerational communication. First, make sure you know what you really want out of the conversation. Do you just want to be heard or are you asking for something to change or are you looking for some advice? Clearly thinking through what the goal of your conversation is allows both parties to manage expectations better as each will have a sense of the desired outcome.
Second, put yourself in mom or dad’s shoes and consider what they need. While this is difficult for young people to do it is important to remember the business may in fact be an incredibly significant part of your parents’ lives (another baby?) and they in fact get a lot from the relationship. If you are asking for more control/responsibility, first think through and talk about what the parents need from the business for their fulfilment as this may explain a lot of their behaviours and responses to the next generations’ inquiries.
Third, create the condition to have a successful discussion. This means look for timing and places that will have a low stress atmosphere and then budget the time required for thoughtful interaction. Next Gens shouldn’t be forcing timelines, but rather trying to get to the parameters of a solution so that both sides can have room to manoeuvre, but within an agreed range of time.
Whatever agreements are reached, Frost reminds us to put into each agreement that all parties are prepared to renegotiate at some point. This is critical as the stages of one’s life have a way of dramatically altering perspectives and family members need to signal that we are all prepared to re-visit our deals.
Mom and dad are undoubtedly proud of their kids and want them to succeed and flourish. Children must also be mindful to be proud of what their parents created in the business and be open with that pride. As Frost always stresses, “Respect is Free” so give it often as mutual respect leads to successful negotiations.